Many years ago, whenever I walked along the street followed by my gaggle of kids, people used to say, “You don’t look old enough to have that many children!” Of course, I would smile and soak up those words. They made me feel good about myself.
These days, no one says such things about my appearance, though a month or so ago, I did have an experience that made me smile.
As I was walking through the entrance to Big W, the meeter-and-greeter thrust a free picture book towards me saying, “Here’s a mother!” I smiled and accepted the book even though my youngest child is 15. I rather enjoyed being mistaken for a mother with younger children.
Does it matter if people think I’m young or not? No. But somehow I’m finding it hard to adjust to my ageing appearance. If you look back through my blogs, you will see that I have visited this subject many times. Each time, I think I’m moving forward. Age? No problem! I’ve got it licked. I can deal with it. I love being who I am, wrinkles included! But am I really happy about those lines and crinkles?
Maybe I’m a bit vain? Yes, I’m finding it hard to let go of my gorgeous good looks because they’re an integral part of my identity. Except that’s a bit silly because I’ve never felt particularly beautiful. Kids at school made me aware of how ordinary I look.
So what’s the problem? I think it’s got a lot to do with how other people perceive me. Rather than thinking that I’m a vibrant young mother who might like a picture book for my kids, people probably, without any hesitation, classify me as ‘older’. Older and not very interesting. Older and past all the exciting stuff of life. Older and not very valuable.
Yes, society, on the whole, doesn’t really value older people. And that’s a problem because I want to feel needed. I want to belong. I want to be valued. Just like younger people. I don’t want to live on the threadbare edges of society.
Is my slow adjustment to my ageing appearance my problem or does it belong to those around me? Can I say, “If only everyone valued and respected older people, I wouldn’t mind getting older”?
Or perhaps I shouldn’t worry about what other people think.
My daughter Sophie once said that she’s aware of how different she is from other people of her age. “They think I’m just like them, but then they start talking to me and they realise I’m not.”
“How does that make you feel?” I ask.
Sophie grins and says, “It gives me a silent thrill.”
Sophie tells me that after her cover has been blown and people discover she’s different, not everyone reacts positively.
“People prefer me to have the same opinions as them,” observes Sophie. “They don’t want to look at the world through different eyes. They think their way is best and don’t want to hear what I have to say. Once someone said to me, ‘I liked you better before you started talking,’ and then told me to be quiet.”
How can Sophie get a secret thrill from being different when people are so rude to her? I guess she likes being who she is. She has things to say. But if no one wants to listen, that’s okay. It doesn’t change who she is. She’s different and that gives her a secret thrill.
So I’ve been thinking about that secret thrill. People might assume I’m an older woman not worth bothering with. But if anyone talks to me, makes a bit of an effort, they’ll discover that I’m not who they think I am.
I’m not an older woman. That’s just my disguise. It’s my undercover identity. Thinking about that gives me a secret thrill!
One last thought:
Why doesn’t our society value and respect older people? Could it have something to do with how we don’t value and respect our young people? This is one of the ideas I explore in my book Radical Unschool Love.
Photos:
Sophie took these photos of Imogen and me while we were enjoying lunch together in our favourite cafe. If I wasn’t an ‘older’ person I wouldn’t have my beautiful young adult daughters.
Taking the conversation on a tangent to your conversation with Sophie. I really feel Sophie’s confidence in herself, her ability to not care of other’s opinions and get a secret thrill come down to homeschooling. I’ve found this with my own children, they frankly aren’t as swayed by others opinions as we who went to school are. We’re still struggling to break free and these home educated kids,,, they’re dancing to their own drum.
btw I really would love to get out girls to connect, I do think my Mariah, 17.6 and Genevieve 15 would enjoy one another company.
Erin,
I love how our kids aren’t swayed by other people’s opinions. Yes, dancing to their own drum! They shouldn’t have the same problems we have had to deal with.
Perhaps I can send you Sophie’s email address and then you can pass it onto your girls. It would be lovely if they connected. Maybe they’d find out they have lots in common!
It was vey interesting to me to read your thoughts on that. I have never noticed older people being seen as less valuable or less interesting. Quite the opposite. Maybe it is because of where I grew up and how I grew up. Older people were a big part of my childhood and tthroughout my life. And we are talking 70 years, 80 years and up. I never refered to these people as older either. They were my friends, my neighbors, people I learned from and with. I refered to them by name.
In general, the attitude towardss older people was somewhat strange to me. It was almost as if people glorified people of a certain age. They are the wise ones. The ones you have to listen to no matter what. I never saw this attitude as healthy. I mean, we are humans. We are individuals. Our age does not make us wiser or less wise. We might choose to learn from our experiences and to grow, or we might not.
I have always ejoyed being around people a lot older than me. Some of them certainly had grown bitter and were more grumpy and annoyed than wise. Some were amazingly YOUNG in mind and spirit and they never acted superior simply because they were older. They had beautiful and sometimes terrifying stories to share and were also always interested in what I had to say. They gave advice and also listened.
So I grew up with the general attitude towards the older generation to be very positive, but also glorified and not very natural. My own view has always been positive and I have always felt interested in being around people of a certain age. I certainly saw a lot of value in their stories and felt grateful for the time they spend with me.
When I started volunteering and as my own grandparents aged I noticed that once older people are becoming less and less independent, the way society views them sometimes changes. In a negative way. Alzheimers or Dementia and suddenly we treat them like children. And society in general often does not hae a very nice way of treating children.
This is another reason why I thought your post was so interesting. The generation I think society in general does not value, or at least not their opinions, is the young one. Kids and teens. Childism.
I wonder if our attitudes towards age and value are also colored by our own experiences and inner voices. I mean, of course our experiences and inner lives color what we see on the outside. Or what we notice. Definitely how we perceive things.
I appreciate reading your stories. I do not think you would already be classified as older. Maybe an older mom?
People sometimes say I am a young mom. To me this would be a mom in her early twenties. Certainly not anywhere near my age. I have not quite thought about how I would classify myself. So far it does not concern me. But I can relate to the appearance part. It annoys me when I see wrinkles coming up. But I do not worry too much. Not yet. I wonder how I will come to terms with aging.
Hope your are having a wonderful weekend
Calla,
It sounds ike you have had many positive experiences with people regardless of their age.
We know a lot of older people. Some are happy and very generous with their time and skills and love. Others are grumpy and dissatsified with life. They say they aren’t respected. Yes, age doesn’t earn respect so an older person can’t say to a younger one, “You should respect me.”
I had an interesting conversation with Sophie who said that if we want to be respected when we’re older, we need to begin by respecting and valuing young people.
‘The generation I think society in general does not value, or at least not their opinions, is the young one. Kids and teens. Childism.’
Yes, children aren’t respected. If we did respect them, would we also value and respect our older people? One leads to the other.
I don’t mind being an older mom!
It’s always good to ponder thoughts with you. I hope you have a good week. My week started off well. Today, the proof copy of my book Radical Unschool Love arrived!
It really doesn’t matter whether your young or old. All that should matter is the amount of love you give your child. Many say I’m a young father of two but it doesn’t get to me. Thanks for sharing.
George,
Oh yes, I agree! I don’t think our kids see us as old or young. They just love us as we are.