Just over a year ago, I was in a dark place. The world had returned to normal after covid, but I was finding it hard to shrug off the effects of being confined at home for months on end. I was lonely and didn’t know how to change my situation. I imagined picking up my phone and saying to a friend, “Anne, do you want to get together for coffee?” but that felt very difficult because I’d lost my confidence. So, I sat alone at home and let the outside world move forward without me.
A priest once said that we often resist change until it becomes harder to endure our present situation than it is to do something about it. A couple of weeks before Advent 2022, I reached that point. I had to make a change before the turmoil in my head overwhelmed me completely.
One Thursday morning, after Mass, I approached Vivian and asked, “Could we get together with a few women during Advent? Perhaps we could meet at a cafe, buy coffee, and then read and discuss the Sunday Gospels. We could chat about other things too. What do you think?”
Vivian is one of those marvellous people who take the time to listen to others and engage them in conversation, so she knows everyone. “I could ask Eloise, Liz and Annabelle,” she said. More names rolled off her tongue.
So, we formed a women’s group and gathered each week during Advent to discuss the upcoming Sunday Gospels while sipping coffee. We shared; we prayed; we got to know each other. And my confidence reappeared. When we reached the last week of Advent, I felt lighter, the mental burden I’d been carrying having disappeared. My friends had eased me back into life. There was only one problem: I knew I’d miss everyone once our meetings ended.
On the Wednesday before Christmas, we gathered for our final Advent meeting. We greeted each other as usual with smiles and hugs; we bought coffee; we dropped our bags to the ground as we chose seats around the long cafe table; we searched our phones for the Sunday Gospel. And then someone said, “I don’t want these meetings to come to an end. Does anyone want to continue meeting after Christmas?”
“Oh, yes!”
We’ve been getting together each week for over a year now. We’ve celebrated all the liturgical seasons. We’ve shared the highs and lows of our lives, revealing our inner selves. We’ve accepted, supported and encouraged each other. And we’ve discussed not only the Gospels but a million associated topics as well.
Yesterday, we asked, “Do we each have a talent that God is calling us to use? Are we more than mothers and wives?”
For many years, after Mass, I’d have brief conversations with fellow parishioners about the weather or my kids, or I’d answer such questions as, “What are you doing for Christmas?” Because my husband was known as a reader and singer, I was ‘Andy’s wife’. I was ‘the mother of that big family that sits near the front of the church’. And when my daughter Imogen was cantoring and leading the choir, I was ‘Imogen’s mother’. These days, I’m probably ‘that older woman’. Maybe I’m ‘the older woman with the red hair.’ No one knows me as “Sue, who yearns to share beauty and truth through her stories.” No one knows my secret identity: blogger, author and podcaster. No one knows except for my women’s group friends.
“I feel known,” I said. “You all see me.”
Tina brought a copy of the Mathilde magazine to yesterday’s women’s group meeting. I took it in my hands, savouring the feel of the heavy, high-quality paper, and opened it. I turned page after page, absorbing the beauty: meaningful articles, images and graphics arranged in a visually appealing way. As I enjoyed the magazine, my eyes noticing everything from the colours, the choice of fonts, and the eye-catching break-out quotes, my heart suddenly contracted with a painful longing: I wanted to create something beautiful, too.
Did St John Paul II write about our urge to create? Did he say this intense longing reflects our longing for God, who implants these desires within us? Maybe I should read his book, God Is Beauty: A Retreat on the Gospel and Art, to find out more about his thoughts on this topic.
As you might know, I’ve been searching for my next mission now that my family no longer needs me in an all-consuming way. I still don’t know what God wants me to do. But I’m going to find out. With my woman friends and our mingled prayers, I will follow that exquisitely pain-filled creative longing towards beauty and truth.
One of my favourite quotes is this one from St John Henry Cardinal Newman:
…God has created me to do Him some definite service. He has committed some work to me, which He has not committed to another. I have my mission. I may never know it in this life, but I shall be told it in the next. I am a link in a chain, a bond of connection between persons. He has not created me for naught. I shall do good; I shall do His work. I shall be an angel of peace, a preacher of truth in my own place, while not intending it if I do but keep His commandments…
My friends, God picked us. He linked us, connecting, braiding, weaving, tying us together. He created something beautiful: our woman chain.
Images
Six portraits of potter Herman A. Kähler’s children by Laurits Andersen Ring
In the month of June by Laurits Andersen Ring
At breakfast by Laurits Andersen Ring
So, what do you think?
Have you ever felt lost and lonely? Are you a link in a chain of woman friends? And have you ever experienced a strong longing to create something beautiful?
I can relate to your post-covid struggles, and what a grace that God took care of it! I am somewhat lost and lonely. “Somewhat” may be due to having younger children who still need me. But the part of me with 4 adult children longs for what you have found. And as much as I appreciate the internet, local is my hope. Whether I go with the older group or younger is often my struggle. I feel a little out-of-place in both.
Currently, it’s not as much a desire to create beauty, but to appreciate it more. Now I know why I long for Italy. Aside from its natural and cultural beauty, it is known and unknown family. It’s for the same reason that I find Irish accents so endearing. It’s ultimately about people, isn’t it? Or at least it should be. When I see a chubby little bird hopping on the snow, I can say, “I love you too, God.” I guess beauty is all about love too.
I love your story, Sue. You are a gift and a grace to women. Our need does not end when our homeschooled/unschooled children are grown. Your writing is a place of refreshment, strength and courage.
Michelle,
I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling somewhat lost and lonely. We can be surrounded by people in a noisy, crowded house but still yearn for connection with others, can’t we?
A few years ago, I joined a homeschooling group, hoping my younger girls would find a few friends. I found myself an older mother amongst younger ones. And, like you, I felt a bit out of place. We only went to this group for a few months before concluding it wasn’t the right place for us. It’s hard to find a group where we feel we belong, isn’t it?
I think our women’s group works well because our ages don’t seem to matter. We have younger mothers and older ones, and women who’ve never had children. One mother brings along her young children, including a baby, which delights us older women who have moved past that stage of life. We all share our experiences wherever we are in life and, of course, we all have our faith in common.
Could you create a group that answers your needs? Perhaps there are other women in your parish who are in the same situation as you. What sort of group would you like to belong to? Would it include children? Or would you like to take time out from mothering and attend a group by yourself? Would you like to discuss the Gospels like us? Or read books together? Or just meet and chat?
Occasionally, I meet up for lunch with a women’s group friend. We get to spend extra time together each week. That’s been a blessing too.
Oh yes, appreciating beauty! God leaves His fingerprints in the form of beautiful delights everywhere! We just need to look carefully to see them.
I found these words in the book description of St John Paul II’s book, ‘God is Beauty’:
“Not all are called to be artists in the specific sense of the term. Yet, as Genesis has it, all men and women are entrusted with the task of crafting their own life … to make of it a work of art.” — Saint John Paul II
There are many ways of creating beauty, aren’t there? And maybe we create in different ways at different times of our lives.
You said you feel a longing to appreciate beauty rather than create it, but don’t forget the book you feel drawn to write. That will be a work of beauty!
Michelle, I appreciate your kind words about my writing. Thank you! May God bless you and your family. xx
You’ve given me much to ponder, Sue!
Our homeschool group disbanded during Covid and never returned. And it’s fine with us, it seems. We’re our own group. I used to worry, but why? They’re content and friends with each other. There is no rule, is there? There will be time for friends, and while I think a concerted effort is sometimes necessary, our large family is meeting that need.
I was in a bereavement group, a prayer group, and two Zoom prayer groups. None of them has been lasting or a good fit. I don’t see myself starting a group, although it has crossed my mind. I’m sure God has a plan and it’ll be a good one.
And yes, writing is creating! Sometimes I doodle in my journal, complete with colored pencils. Also, cooking.
Michelle,
We were our own social group too! For many years, we didn’t need to look beyond our family for friends. Then our group began shrinking as some of my kids left home. That’s when we started looking for other ways to meet people. These days, I spend lots of days by myself, so I appreciate being involved with a women’s group. Maybe you don’t have the same needs as me right at this moment. But you never know what will happen in the future. Maybe God will encourage you to form a group. Or send the prefect group your way. Yes, His plan will be good!
Yes, I’ve definitely felt lonely and lost and it made me feel so sad that it seemed easier just to remain isolated. It didn’t feel worth the effort to change. Maybe one person declines an offer to get together and that’s discouraging too. I’m so glad you thought of bringing together your church group. I like the quote by Cardinal Newman too.
Venisa,
Oh yes, it can be very difficult making a change, even one we know we need. I hope you feel connected with other people at the moment.
I’m pleased you like the Newman quote. We haven’t chatted much recently – I owe you a long message – but I hope you feel part of my chain. I value your friendship! 😊💛
Sue, this story is so encouraging! I`m so glad, you had courage to ask Vivian about forming a group. And it is such a blessing, that other woman wanted to keep the group going even after Advent. Beautiful!
Luana!
I’m so pleased to hear from you. It seems like a very long time since we last spoke. I missed you!
Oh yes, it took courage to propose my women’s group idea, but I’m so glad I did. I have been greatly blessed!
Sue I loved this post. You definitely know us as women so well. I felt the same way once others were out and about once the pandemic eased. Isolation lasted longer in our home as my husband is one of those vulnerable people, he has asthma. Once I did go out it felt liberating. We have our youngest at home still as he is on the autism spectrum and even though he is an adult, may not be able to navigate life on his own….. we don’t know yet. He is the youngest of our 4 children. But there is hope, his older sister the next one in line is now out on her own, she is on the spectrum as well as has bipolar and doing ok some days. Hopefully that will be Nathan’s future to. He doesn’t want to live with us forever, and at 25 he needs his wings to fly. We are done unschooling now, my kids don’t need us that way anymore. Now Herb and I are heading into retirement, the proud grandparents of 4 grandchildren. The oldest is being homeschooled, but we are worried for all 4, it has been detected that they all may be on the autism spectrum as well….it has yet to be officially tested to find out. So lots of challenges lie ahead. We are waiting on the Lord and trusting in Him for all of our futures. Sue it’s so good to be back in touch! Your name and unschooling books came up in a folder I had forgotten about in my phone and knew I had to immediately reach out!! Do you remember me?? I am going to sign up for your blog again and stay in touch ❤
Nancy,
Of course, I remember you! We’ve swapped many comments and emails over the years. I haven’t forgotten Nathan either.
It’s hard sometimes, isn’t it? We want our kids to be happy and live independent and successful lives, but they face challenges. And there doesn’t seem much we can do to help. (One of my children has bipolar disorder too.) You are right: we have to hand things over to God and trust Him.
I’m so glad you found my books and decided to reach out to me. Yes, let’s stay in touch!
I’m praying for you and your family. xxx
Oh, it was so good to hear back from you Sue. You are such a breath of fresh air and I feel like I have a good friend that I gotten back in touch with!. I will definitely be praying for your family as well and we certainly appreciate your prayers. I do remember now years ago you telling me or maybe it was in a blog post about one of your children that suffers with bipolar. It is definitely challenging. Thank you once again for reaching back out. I am excited to catch up on some of the posts that I’ve missed. It may take me a few years to read everything you’ve written, LOL I’m so far behind, haha. Sending lots of love across the many miles.